Lately, I’ve been conflicted. So many things in my life have been bombarding me at once that not only do I have no idea how to deal with these problems, I don’t even know which one to tackle first.
Probably the issue that’s been pressing on my mind the most is the situation with my grandfather on my mom’s side. As of late, his health has been slowly failing. We’ve had a live-in caretaker for him who has done a lot to help him with his daily activities, but lately his health has taken a turn for the worst, and he’s been in the hospital. There’s a distinct possibility that he could die soon. It’s really putting a lot of stress on my mom, and I’ve been doing what I can to help, but for some reason I can’t get emotionally invested in the situation.
This grandfather moved in with my family when I was about four years old. Although he is my grandfather, since I’m his daughter’s son, I don’t have his last name, so he basically treats me like I’m nothing. He has never initiated a conversation with me other than ordering me around like a servant. When his live-in caretaker was gone for a few days a couple weeks back, my grandfather basically relied on me to live, and after helping him get in and out of bed, helping him move around the house, and taking care of him, he never thanked me once. In fact he never even looked at me.
So now the man’s dying, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. He’s my grandfather, and ever since I was little, I’ve done my best to be a good grandson and to earn his acknowledgement. But the man is insanely selfish, and he’s barely ever treated me as human, let alone family. I do what I can for him out of respect for my mom and for the fact that he’s my grandfather, but I can’t bring myself to feel any pity for his suffering or sadness at the prospect of his death. I wish I could, but after trying so hard for so many years, there’s just nothing left, no way for me to feel anything for him. Does this make me a terrible person?
Another issue that’s been eating at me involves my future employment. Unfortunately, the root of this problem is also based in family, just this time on my dad’s side.
When I first started applying for jobs, I wanted to get a job in California. I have a lot of family over here and it would be nice to be able to see them more. However, in the last couple years there was a disagreement between some of my family members that turned really ugly, with people now refusing to talk to or even see each other. Since then, every time I’ve gone to visit, I’ve been used as sort of a go-between, a bargaining chip used to bring the arguing parties together. It makes me really uncomfortable, but I go along with it because I feel like it’s part of my duty to my family.
Right now, I’ve got several leads to jobs in California, and a few leads to jobs outside of California. The thing is, if I do get a job in California, I feel like I’ll be locked into the role of the bargaining chip. Not only that, but the jobs in California aren’t exactly my idea job, and while I know I can’t be picky, especially in this economy, I just get a really bad feeling about the whole situation.
So, my dilemma is this: If I’m offered a job in California, and a job elsewhere, do I take the job in California, and perform my duty to my family as the mediator to this family feud, and likely sacrifice my happiness and personal development, or do I take the job elsewhere, put my family duty on the back burner, and do what makes me happy and enjoy the freedom to pursue my own interests and purpose?
These things have been eating at me emotionally and spiritually. It’s made me wonder what kind of person I really am. A lot of people I’ve encountered seem to think that I’m a good person, but many events in my life have made me think that I’m just not good enough, like I need to prove myself to someone or earn forgiveness from someone. It’s times like these when I not having a religion really wears on me. I’ve got no spiritual leader to guide me, no scripture or religious tradition or lore to reference, and I can’t talk to my parents about these kinds of things. I can’t even rely on my faith in the fact that people will do the right thing, because I have no idea if I’m doing the right thing.
Probably the issue that’s been pressing on my mind the most is the situation with my grandfather on my mom’s side. As of late, his health has been slowly failing. We’ve had a live-in caretaker for him who has done a lot to help him with his daily activities, but lately his health has taken a turn for the worst, and he’s been in the hospital. There’s a distinct possibility that he could die soon. It’s really putting a lot of stress on my mom, and I’ve been doing what I can to help, but for some reason I can’t get emotionally invested in the situation.
This grandfather moved in with my family when I was about four years old. Although he is my grandfather, since I’m his daughter’s son, I don’t have his last name, so he basically treats me like I’m nothing. He has never initiated a conversation with me other than ordering me around like a servant. When his live-in caretaker was gone for a few days a couple weeks back, my grandfather basically relied on me to live, and after helping him get in and out of bed, helping him move around the house, and taking care of him, he never thanked me once. In fact he never even looked at me.
So now the man’s dying, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. He’s my grandfather, and ever since I was little, I’ve done my best to be a good grandson and to earn his acknowledgement. But the man is insanely selfish, and he’s barely ever treated me as human, let alone family. I do what I can for him out of respect for my mom and for the fact that he’s my grandfather, but I can’t bring myself to feel any pity for his suffering or sadness at the prospect of his death. I wish I could, but after trying so hard for so many years, there’s just nothing left, no way for me to feel anything for him. Does this make me a terrible person?
Another issue that’s been eating at me involves my future employment. Unfortunately, the root of this problem is also based in family, just this time on my dad’s side.
When I first started applying for jobs, I wanted to get a job in California. I have a lot of family over here and it would be nice to be able to see them more. However, in the last couple years there was a disagreement between some of my family members that turned really ugly, with people now refusing to talk to or even see each other. Since then, every time I’ve gone to visit, I’ve been used as sort of a go-between, a bargaining chip used to bring the arguing parties together. It makes me really uncomfortable, but I go along with it because I feel like it’s part of my duty to my family.
Right now, I’ve got several leads to jobs in California, and a few leads to jobs outside of California. The thing is, if I do get a job in California, I feel like I’ll be locked into the role of the bargaining chip. Not only that, but the jobs in California aren’t exactly my idea job, and while I know I can’t be picky, especially in this economy, I just get a really bad feeling about the whole situation.
So, my dilemma is this: If I’m offered a job in California, and a job elsewhere, do I take the job in California, and perform my duty to my family as the mediator to this family feud, and likely sacrifice my happiness and personal development, or do I take the job elsewhere, put my family duty on the back burner, and do what makes me happy and enjoy the freedom to pursue my own interests and purpose?
These things have been eating at me emotionally and spiritually. It’s made me wonder what kind of person I really am. A lot of people I’ve encountered seem to think that I’m a good person, but many events in my life have made me think that I’m just not good enough, like I need to prove myself to someone or earn forgiveness from someone. It’s times like these when I not having a religion really wears on me. I’ve got no spiritual leader to guide me, no scripture or religious tradition or lore to reference, and I can’t talk to my parents about these kinds of things. I can’t even rely on my faith in the fact that people will do the right thing, because I have no idea if I’m doing the right thing.
posted by L at
10:10 PM
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