"Being alone isn't the same as being lonely"

It's been one hell of a year. I've made new friends, fallen in love, had my heart broken, multiple times at that, lost friends, made enemies, and there's still three and a half months to go. It's been a year full of ecstatic happiness and love, as well as pain, despair, and depression.

I first read the quote in the title of this blog entry a long time ago. At the time, I simply glanced over it, thinking "Oh yeah, that makes sense". But given the events of this year, and the state my life has been in lately, I went back and really looked at the quote, really thought about its meaning. When a person is alone, they have no one. There's no one to care about them, no one to cry for them, no one to listen to them. No one misses them when they're gone, their existence goes unnoticed. A person who is lonely may be by himself, but at least he has people to miss and people who miss them.

I used to be alone. A lot of it was by my own doing, but some of it was just how my lot in life fell. I never really kept any friends from my childhood. Many of them moved away, or made new friends and forgot about me. I didn't socialize well, so I just sort of drifted around. I always helped people when I could, but when they didn't need me anymore, I didn't try to stay with them, I just sort of let them forget about me. I just didn't fit in, I wasn't right, I wasn't worth it. I was incomplete, always something missing. I fell into a hole of self-loathing and self-pity that went on for a long time.

Eventually I tried to pull myself out of the hole, to try to change things around. I had some hope. I had no idea where I got the hope, but I really tried to make things better. My efforts didn't go so well.

Then this year rolled around. With all the love and heartbreak that I've gone through, all the friendships built and broken, all of the highs and lows, it's left me in a unique situation. When all the rubble fell, and the dust cleared, I was left broken hearted, and devastated, but I wasn't alone anymore. Or at least, I wasn't forcing myself to be alone anymore, I didn't want to. I had people who I cared about, people who I didn't want to forget me, people I loved.

Vincent van Gogh once said, "Love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well." I'm still incomplete. There's a piece missing in me, but I think I'm on the path to filling it, or at least finding the piece that fits. Until then, though, I will live my life for the ones I love, I'll keep pushing myself to become stronger, to become a better person, to help the people around me, friend or otherwise.

This will probably be the last blog entry I have for a long time, if ever. I started this blog as a means of venting my emotions, because I simply didn't have anyone to talk to. It served its purpose well, but now, I'm not alone anymore, I don't have to face things alone. The future is looking so much brighter, and I'm ready to step into the sun.