Outwardly, I seem fine, but my soul is crying
I don't even know how to start this. I haven't been gripped by this kind of primal fear in a long time. As I lay tossing and turning in bed, every time I closed my eyes it was like a nightmare, and I was flooded with this feeling of helplessness and futility. It felt like I was caught in a raging river, and no matter how I struggled, no matter how hard I fought, the current just kept sweeping me downstream.
My mind has been trained to think of every possible situation when dealing with a matter, from best case scenario to worst case scenario. I guess this time it got carried away with the worst case. Combined with the uncertainty of things, it just rumbled me to the core and overwhelmed me. Life is often cruel and unfair, this I know firsthand. But the ridiculous irony and how the whole thing leaves me feeling helpless and useless is almost too much.
What is it that I need right now? My trust is as strong as it's ever been, but I feel the need to be reassured. My love is still unwavering, but I feel like I am in need of love in return. I'm still working hard to keep that little bit of hope aglow in me, but I need someone to help me breathe some life into it.
I once said that it was better to be a foolish optimist than a jaded pessimist, and I stand by it. The main drawback to this is that fools feel much more deeply than normal people. A fool who finds love experiences joy that most people can't begine to imagine. A fool feels loss much more deeply than normal people. A fool knows his limits, but chooses to ignore them, depending on hard-headedness and raw willpower to overcome his obstacles.
At this point I'm not sure what I can do except wait. It seems like the story of my life, always waiting, but I feel like I've finally found what/who I've been waiting for. Only problem is because of matters out of my control, I'm stuck waiting some more. It's just all the more agonizing because I'm so head over heels, i'm so in love that sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself. I just hope I can dig deep down into my heart to find the strength to keep on going again. I wonder how many more times I can do this before it's broken beyond repair. It's going to come down to matching my will against what life throws at me; here's hoping I have the strength.
I'll close this entry with the same quote of Vincent Van Gogh that I included in my last entry. I just feel like it best sums up the kind of person I've become, and it's one of the few sources of hope that I have. Where there's life, there's hope, so let's just see how much life I've still got in me.
"Love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well."
-Vincent Van Gogh
Animus Invictus
My mind has been trained to think of every possible situation when dealing with a matter, from best case scenario to worst case scenario. I guess this time it got carried away with the worst case. Combined with the uncertainty of things, it just rumbled me to the core and overwhelmed me. Life is often cruel and unfair, this I know firsthand. But the ridiculous irony and how the whole thing leaves me feeling helpless and useless is almost too much.
What is it that I need right now? My trust is as strong as it's ever been, but I feel the need to be reassured. My love is still unwavering, but I feel like I am in need of love in return. I'm still working hard to keep that little bit of hope aglow in me, but I need someone to help me breathe some life into it.
I once said that it was better to be a foolish optimist than a jaded pessimist, and I stand by it. The main drawback to this is that fools feel much more deeply than normal people. A fool who finds love experiences joy that most people can't begine to imagine. A fool feels loss much more deeply than normal people. A fool knows his limits, but chooses to ignore them, depending on hard-headedness and raw willpower to overcome his obstacles.
At this point I'm not sure what I can do except wait. It seems like the story of my life, always waiting, but I feel like I've finally found what/who I've been waiting for. Only problem is because of matters out of my control, I'm stuck waiting some more. It's just all the more agonizing because I'm so head over heels, i'm so in love that sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself. I just hope I can dig deep down into my heart to find the strength to keep on going again. I wonder how many more times I can do this before it's broken beyond repair. It's going to come down to matching my will against what life throws at me; here's hoping I have the strength.
I'll close this entry with the same quote of Vincent Van Gogh that I included in my last entry. I just feel like it best sums up the kind of person I've become, and it's one of the few sources of hope that I have. Where there's life, there's hope, so let's just see how much life I've still got in me.
"Love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well."
-Vincent Van Gogh
Animus Invictus
posted by L at
3:56 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home