The End

This is probably going to be my last entry for a while, if not forever. This has easily been the worst night of my life, and after this, I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore.

I thought I had finally found what I was looking for. I thought I had finally found peace, found happiness. I thought I had finally found my last piece, the one thing I was missing in my life to make myself complete. Fate had other ideas.

One week. That’s all I was given. One week of peace, one week of happiness. Then, as if to punish me, fate took it all away, showing me that no matter what I do to try to change things, I can’t escape my fate. In the end, nothing I did mattered. I wasn’t able to make myself into someone worthwhile, someone who could matter. Maybe I was never meant to matter to anyone. Maybe there’s no place for me. No, at this point, I pretty much know that it’s the case. I had the feeling that this was my one and only shot, that this was the only chance I’d ever get. I should have known better. As much as I try, my fate is one that can’t be changed. All there is for me is pain.

There’s nothing left that I can do. I’ve got no strength left to fight, no strength to stand up after getting knocked down this time around. Any small glimmer of hope, any light that was left in me has gone out. I have to face the truth: I’m nothing but an empty shell – no heart, no soul. I tried to create something out of nothing, but fate showed me that it couldn’t be done. I’m broken, I’m incomplete, I’m wrong. I’m done hoping, I’m done dreaming, because what’s the point? No matter what I do, I always end up battered, bruised, and bleeding on the floor. People see me, but they see nothing, they feel nothing. But something always pulls me up. Whether I want to or not, I survive. It’s my curse - to go through life a bloody, battered mess. The only release for me is death, but for some reason that’s not an option. For all intents and purposes, I’m already dead – my body just doesn’t have the decency to give up yet.

So, where do I go from here? Well, as it looks, down. There’s no up for me in this life. The fate I’ve been trying to avoid all this time, it’s all I have. My place is in the dark where no one can see me, where no one has to care. There’s no blame to hand out to anyone else, and there’s no forgiveness for me. I said before that it’s not so bad living in the darkness but remembering the light, but I was kidding myself. There was no light for me, there never has been. In the end, I don’t matter. I’m not worth caring about, I’m not worth loving, I’m too far gone. I am not and won’t be missed, and when all is said and done, memory of me will just fade into nothing.

When I close my eyes, I’m in a room that’s pitch black, chained to a wall that I can’t see. The silence is deafening, but the more I struggle against the chains, the tighter they get. Occasionally I can hear voices, signs of the world around me, the world I can’t be a part of. There’s nothing I want more than to break free and break through the darkness, but the chains hold me fast. They tell me that I’m not meant to be anywhere but in the dark. And all I can do is stand there, wishing the pain would end, wishing that I could cry to alleviate some of the agony I’m in, but no tears come. I'm screaming out into the darkness, but there's no answer.

This is the end for me. The end of trying to change, the end of searching for happiness, the end of searching for peace. I don't know what to believe anymore. The one thing keeping me going is gone. Why am I still here? These things are beyond me, or I don't deserve them, or maybe they don’t exist for me in the first place. Either way, I’m done.

Goodbye