On a warm, rainy winter’s day in Chicago…

Today was unseasonably warm, it was a bit strange. That said, it didn't stop me from taking advantage and going on a nice long walk to clear my head and get some fresh air. Whenever I take such walks, I can't help but get contemplative. Today was no different, although the subject at hand did distract me from my route quite a bit more than usual.

Soulmates. Until it was brought to my attention recently, I had never really thought about the concept much. Then again, having never been in a serious relationship, it's really no wonder I've never thought about it. It's a concept that fascinates, excites, and frightens me all at the same time, and I found myself exploring it extensively.

To have one person with whom you are meant to be with. To have one person who you are destined to meet. To have one person with whom your connection is so close, so strong that when you meet everything just falls into place. Does such a thing exist? Does it mean that there is just one person, per person, for whom destiny has made the perfect match? Does this mean that this is the only person for whom your love with work, or is it just the best person? With over 7 billion people in this world, what if two soulmates never even meet? It seems like an awful waste of potential.

From my own experience, there has never been anyone with whom I feel as strong a love for, or a stronger connection with, than the girl I'm currently in love with. When I speak with her, I'm at peace, and when she's gone, I look forward to the next time that we can talk again. At the same time, while I miss her when she's been gone a long time, I have absolute faith and trust in her, so I don't feel anxious. Where my life and my mind were like a swirling, rippling maelstrom before, just by touching my life, she's calmed the waters to the point where the surface is smooth as glass. To borrow a cheesy and cliché line, she completes me.

These feelings, combined with countless hours of contemplation, turning things over in my mind, have given me the resolve to be able to confidently conclude that I have indeed found my soulmate. Now that that's been done, what next?

What is the next step? That's where things get tricky, because even if we're meant to be together, even if we are the perfect match for each other, it means nothing until we find a way to physically be in the same place. And even then, life can throw random things at you. You never know what might get in the way; every relationship takes a unique, unspecified amount of luck.

The distance between us an issue of time. In a few weeks, I'll be moving to where she is, so it's really not much of an issue at all. As for the luck, I've always felt that I was blessed with good luck, so as long as that holds out I'll be fine. There's a couple other details, minor and major, that need to be worked out, but I don't really have control over those. I guess it's the uncertainty of the whole situation that really frightens me if anything. Don't get me wrong, I trust her with all my heart, I'm just nervous that I'll do something to mess it up. That's why I've been working so hard to become a stronger person, to make better decisions, and to stand my ground when I truly believe in something. And there is nothing more worthy of standing for than love.

Whether or not one chooses to believe in soulmates is a matter of perception. Up until now, I had never really given it much thought. I have to say though, the concept does appeal to me a great deal, especially in the situation I'm currently in. I think I really have found my soulmate. Now, I'll just do what I can, and leave the rest up to fate. She's so worth fighting for, and all I want to do is be with her. I know that I've probably got an idealized image of her in my mind, and that things might be different in person, but I'm alright with that. I want her to shatter my illusion, because as it stands, I don't know what I could possibly do to stop loving her.

Where I've been and moving forward

So I'm sitting here at my computer with nothing to do, and I figured that now would be as good a time as any to take a step back and look upon what my 2010 has been.


This has been an eventful year to say the least. Over the past year I've earned my Master's degree, fallen in love, had my heart broken, been taken to the very edge of sanity, and saved from said edge. My heart's been tested time and time again, and somehow it's still in one piece. Battered and bruised? Definitely. But it'll take a lot more to break me, especially the person I am today.

The changes I've seen in myself in retrospect are really something. I've matured quite a bit, done a lot of growing up. I'm more sure of myself and more in control of my emotions. I've learned what love means and what it can do to a person. I've learned to turn my patience into something positive and productive, rather than an excuse to hold back. Most importantly, I've learned to hope, and to trust, and trust completely. It's a feeling I'm still getting used to, but to be able to trust someone so completely like it's second nature

That all being said, the changes don't stop now. I've come this far, now it's time to evolve further and take myself to the next level. Someone very special to me once told me it's ok to be selfish and to fight for what you want. All my life I've been waiting, not sure of what my purpose is, not sure of who I am or where my heart lies. That's all going to change.

With school coming up, I'm going to show them what I'm truly capable of, the type of leader I am, an unstoppable force. I now know where my heart lies, who it belongs to, who I've been waiting for. It's not even so much a matter of what I want, but what I feel is right. I'll fight for my love, no matter who I have to go to, over, or through. And if it ends happily, in heartbreak, or even in death, it's still a fate infinitely better than being stuck waiting endlessly.

With the new year coming, and especially with the huge change coming in my life, I've got a fresh start, a blank slate, and I intend to take full advantage of it. I'll make friends and enemies. I'll love, hate, laugh, cry, contemplate, and rage. I'll compete with rivals, and I'll cooperate with colleagues. A fire has been lit inside me, and I'm ready to test the limits of my newfound freedom. Even though I plan on continuing my evolution and becoming a stronger person, I know that with the special people I now have in my life, that I won't betray who I fundamentally am. Instead, I'll only continue to get stronger.

As I'm typing this, I'm slightly trembling with anticipation. This new resolve will open a lot of doors for me. I just hope that I'm up to the task of being able to take full advantage. As for love, if things end up badly, at least it won't be for lack of effort. I'm already a foolish romantic, only now I have someone worth fighting for. Life is about to get interesting, and I'm buckling in for the ride.

Animus Invictus

Outwardly, I seem fine, but my soul is crying

I don't even know how to start this. I haven't been gripped by this kind of primal fear in a long time. As I lay tossing and turning in bed, every time I closed my eyes it was like a nightmare, and I was flooded with this feeling of helplessness and futility. It felt like I was caught in a raging river, and no matter how I struggled, no matter how hard I fought, the current just kept sweeping me downstream.

My mind has been trained to think of every possible situation when dealing with a matter, from best case scenario to worst case scenario. I guess this time it got carried away with the worst case. Combined with the uncertainty of things, it just rumbled me to the core and overwhelmed me. Life is often cruel and unfair, this I know firsthand. But the ridiculous irony and how the whole thing leaves me feeling helpless and useless is almost too much.

What is it that I need right now? My trust is as strong as it's ever been, but I feel the need to be reassured. My love is still unwavering, but I feel like I am in need of love in return. I'm still working hard to keep that little bit of hope aglow in me, but I need someone to help me breathe some life into it.

I once said that it was better to be a foolish optimist than a jaded pessimist, and I stand by it. The main drawback to this is that fools feel much more deeply than normal people. A fool who finds love experiences joy that most people can't begine to imagine. A fool feels loss much more deeply than normal people. A fool knows his limits, but chooses to ignore them, depending on hard-headedness and raw willpower to overcome his obstacles.

At this point I'm not sure what I can do except wait. It seems like the story of my life, always waiting, but I feel like I've finally found what/who I've been waiting for. Only problem is because of matters out of my control, I'm stuck waiting some more. It's just all the more agonizing because I'm so head over heels, i'm so in love that sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself. I just hope I can dig deep down into my heart to find the strength to keep on going again. I wonder how many more times I can do this before it's broken beyond repair. It's going to come down to matching my will against what life throws at me; here's hoping I have the strength.

I'll close this entry with the same quote of Vincent Van Gogh that I included in my last entry. I just feel like it best sums up the kind of person I've become, and it's one of the few sources of hope that I have. Where there's life, there's hope, so let's just see how much life I've still got in me.

"Love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well."
-Vincent Van Gogh

Animus Invictus