Almost time...

As I've been preparing to leave the country, I've been doing my best to tie up loose ends. The last thing I want to do is to leave with unfinished business. Also, I've been trying to set things up so that I'll be missed as little as possible once I go. The last thing I want to do is to make anyone worry or feel bad, so I figure this is the best way to go about things.

It's really a unique opportunity, getting a brand new start on life like this. When I look back on things, this change couldn't have come at a better time. In the past year or so, I've been working hard to develop myself in to a better, stronger person. I've met some wonderful people whom I'll have the chance to meet in person once I move. I've met some less savory individuals, but it's helped me to learn how best to deal with such people. With the new year comes my new life. I hope I'm up to the challenge of living up to it.

A quick summary of the man I used to be: I used to be very passive. I would do my best in life, but if things didn't go my way, I just accepted it and tried to move on. Even if there was something I felt really strongly about, I just didn't have the confidence to stand up for it. I was always alone because I didn't have the confidence to get myself out there, I just didn't think that I was someone who was worth knowing. I held very little value for myself, and it showed in my actions. I took unnecessary risks, sometimes to the point of endangering myself. I didn't work hard toward my dreams because I didn't feel like I deserved them. I was convinced I was worthless, and the world treated me as such. It was simply unending pain, pain which I endured for an unknown reason.

Now, I've got the confidence and the belief in myself that I'd been lacking for so long. That said, there's still things that I worry about. I worry if I can keep it up. Will I be able to stay strong, or will my past catch up with me and consume me? How much of my destiny is really under my control? If I keep going on the path I am on now, will the floor suddenly give way beneath me?

It's really strange, where I am now. On one hand, I've made some precious friends who care about me and will be there for me whenever I need to talk, and be there in person when I move. At the same time, right now, because of various circumstances, I feel so alone, so disconnected from the world.

Maybe it's this newfound revival of my emotions that's got me all mixed up. For the first time in longer than I can remember, I know what it's like to be in love, although an unrequited love at that. I not only believe in myself, but I am motivated, driven to fight for what I believe in and for myself. I found a bond that was so close that it couldn't be described with words. And the pull produced by this bond – love, excitement, jealousy, and anxiety – these words don't quite fit. It's given me hope, and thrown me into despair. It's brought out the best in me, and forced me to suppress the worst. The whole thing has left my soul screaming, with me wanting to physically do the same at the top of my lungs.

Depending on the point of view, I've been both blessed and cursed with a very strong memory. Every moment of extreme joy, every moment of excruciating pain and sadness, the strongest memories easily come to the surface. How much these memories contribute to the decisions I make, I can't be sure. One thing I do know, though, is that regret is something that lives with you. The trick is, you have to know how and when to let regret go, or else it'll consume you and you won't be able to move forward. Regret isn't a bad thing though – far from it. Regret teaches us not to make the same mistakes twice. It gives us a feeling of remorse that we want to avoid at all costs. In that way, it drives us to improve ourselves.

I don't know what my future holds. I don't know what cards destiny will deal me. All I can say is that I've had plenty of regret in my life, plenty of mistakes that I don't want to repeat. That being said, I'm not going to just sit around and take whatever life gives me anymore. I'm in control of my own destiny, and I've got the will to shape my life. We are not ruled by our memories, and from here out I'll be working to make new memories – ones that I'll look back on proudly and happily.