The End

This is probably going to be my last entry for a while, if not forever. This has easily been the worst night of my life, and after this, I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore.

I thought I had finally found what I was looking for. I thought I had finally found peace, found happiness. I thought I had finally found my last piece, the one thing I was missing in my life to make myself complete. Fate had other ideas.

One week. That’s all I was given. One week of peace, one week of happiness. Then, as if to punish me, fate took it all away, showing me that no matter what I do to try to change things, I can’t escape my fate. In the end, nothing I did mattered. I wasn’t able to make myself into someone worthwhile, someone who could matter. Maybe I was never meant to matter to anyone. Maybe there’s no place for me. No, at this point, I pretty much know that it’s the case. I had the feeling that this was my one and only shot, that this was the only chance I’d ever get. I should have known better. As much as I try, my fate is one that can’t be changed. All there is for me is pain.

There’s nothing left that I can do. I’ve got no strength left to fight, no strength to stand up after getting knocked down this time around. Any small glimmer of hope, any light that was left in me has gone out. I have to face the truth: I’m nothing but an empty shell – no heart, no soul. I tried to create something out of nothing, but fate showed me that it couldn’t be done. I’m broken, I’m incomplete, I’m wrong. I’m done hoping, I’m done dreaming, because what’s the point? No matter what I do, I always end up battered, bruised, and bleeding on the floor. People see me, but they see nothing, they feel nothing. But something always pulls me up. Whether I want to or not, I survive. It’s my curse - to go through life a bloody, battered mess. The only release for me is death, but for some reason that’s not an option. For all intents and purposes, I’m already dead – my body just doesn’t have the decency to give up yet.

So, where do I go from here? Well, as it looks, down. There’s no up for me in this life. The fate I’ve been trying to avoid all this time, it’s all I have. My place is in the dark where no one can see me, where no one has to care. There’s no blame to hand out to anyone else, and there’s no forgiveness for me. I said before that it’s not so bad living in the darkness but remembering the light, but I was kidding myself. There was no light for me, there never has been. In the end, I don’t matter. I’m not worth caring about, I’m not worth loving, I’m too far gone. I am not and won’t be missed, and when all is said and done, memory of me will just fade into nothing.

When I close my eyes, I’m in a room that’s pitch black, chained to a wall that I can’t see. The silence is deafening, but the more I struggle against the chains, the tighter they get. Occasionally I can hear voices, signs of the world around me, the world I can’t be a part of. There’s nothing I want more than to break free and break through the darkness, but the chains hold me fast. They tell me that I’m not meant to be anywhere but in the dark. And all I can do is stand there, wishing the pain would end, wishing that I could cry to alleviate some of the agony I’m in, but no tears come. I'm screaming out into the darkness, but there's no answer.

This is the end for me. The end of trying to change, the end of searching for happiness, the end of searching for peace. I don't know what to believe anymore. The one thing keeping me going is gone. Why am I still here? These things are beyond me, or I don't deserve them, or maybe they don’t exist for me in the first place. Either way, I’m done.

Goodbye

What's in a name?

Names and labels are interesting things. More often than not, they’re how people assign and evaluate the values of things. But why do we do this?

The most fundamental label is a name. Our family names give us a sense of belonging. They prove that we belong to a certain bloodline and provide a link to something greater than ourselves. First names and nicknames are how we differentiate ourselves from others. Names as a label come to be how we’re known. Names become associated with an image, they become associated with feelings, and they become associated with experiences. On top of names, there are labels. Friend, best friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, goth, emo, prude, snob, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, man, woman – all these labels bring about images as well.

I’ve gone by a lot of names in my life. My given name, countless nicknames, gaming handles that I’ve picked, all of them associate me to the people who know me by these names. They can make me seems serious, or silly, or caring, or cold. They can be meant to make me seem more professional, they can be meant to make me seem friendly, they can be meant to make me seem like a complete badass. At the same time, I’ve never really cared what name people know me by. I just figure that once people know me, regardless of the name they know me by, my character will speak for itself and come out over whatever image is attached to the name being used.

This does raise an interesting question though. Without a name, do we cease to exist? I don’t mean this in the sense that without a name, you’ll disappear into nothing. Rather, if you were dropped into a place where absolutely no one knew your name, how would people see you? Would they even see you? Names and labels are extremely powerful. Once you know someone’s name, they suddenly become more important to you. You care about them more – you become attached. It’s really a weird thing, the idea that a name is something so personal that simply knowing it can completely change how you see things.

So what’s in a name? Just as we shouldn’t judge people by their outward appearances, to judge people based on names or labels is just as wrong. Sure, there may be a good reason why a person has earned a certain name or label, but instead of using that as a starting point and going from there, rather just keep it in mind as something to remember, and in the meantime form your own opinions and judgments about a person.

I’ll close this entry with a quote that most people know from Shakespeare:

“What's in a name? that which we call a rose/By any other name would smell as sweet.”

There Is No “Off’ Switch

Ever since my last post, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Thinking about where I go from here. Thinking about what to do with myself. Thinking about my purpose.

No matter what, a person will always feel. A person will always want. A person will always need. As the title suggests, there is no “off” switch that a person can just flip in their mind and their heart to forget about what they feel, want, and need and just get on with their life. I’ve tried to do that before, and every time, everything rushes back to me all at once, oftentimes leaving me with my mind and my heart in ruins, trying to pick up the pieces and rebuild.

To deny what you feel, want, and need is just foolish. It won’t accomplish anything, and you won’t be able to move, forward or back. You just get stuck in the same place, turning around in circles. However, there is an alternative.

While there is no “off” switch, that doesn’t mean that you can’t turn down the volume. Duty, responsibility, and obligation – all of these, if you feel that they are important enough, can preempt your feelings. Having something or someone to protect, having a duty to carry out, having a responsibility to be something to someone – if you can convince yourself that these are more important than your own wants and needs, then you can move on.

In my case, after a lot of thinking, this is the conclusion that I’ve come to. As strongly as I feel, as much as I want certain things, need certain things, it’s more important that I do my best to protect the people I care about. It’s more important that I’m there from beginning to end, as the first response to trouble, and as the last line of defense. I’m the kind of person that people need, that people trust, but ultimately very few if any care about. And that’s ok. The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that it’s how things are meant to be.

People like me aren’t necessarily rare, but we’re not common either. For most people, death is the end. It is something to stall, something to avoid, because it means the loss of everything. For people like me, death is a release. It’s the end of pain, the end of suffering, the end of loneliness. I’m not afraid of death, it’s just a release. That’s not to say that I want to die, far from it. Just in the grand scheme of things, I don’t really matter. My loss wouldn’t create much of a ripple in the world, though I’d like to think that what I’ve done with my life matters to those who’ve been affected by it.

In my last entry, I asked myself “Who am I? What is my purpose?” Well, I can say now that I’m the guy who makes the impossible possible. I’m the guy who keeps standing up when I should already have taken more than I can handle. I’m the guy with the sad eyes that people notice, but no one bothers with. I’m the guy who seems strong, calm, cool, and collected on the outside, but lives every day in pain, none of which people can see.

No one knows what life will bring. Maybe things will never change for me and I go through the rest of my life alone. Maybe things do change and someday I can stop turning down the volume. There’s no way to tell, and there’s no sense in trying to make things the way I want them to be. Life will happen, there’s no way around that. In the meantime, I’ll do what I can to make the most of what I can do and to help and protect those around me. If I find the peace that I’m looking for, that’s great. If not, I think I can live with it. I’ve always been the type of person who floats through life. A gentle push, and I float in whatever direction. I float through life, I float into people’s lives, and I float out of people’s lives. The few times that I have someone to talk to will have to suffice. The rest of the time, I’m left to my own contemplations.

It’s not so bad living in the darkness but remembering the light.

The Big Question

Who am I? It’s the big question that pops into my head every now and then and gets my head all in a jumble. On top of that question is What am I? What do I believe in? What do I stand for? What am I worth?

Every so often I have a moment of weakness. It comes out of nowhere, and usually leaves me pretty shaken. I’ve spent the last few years reinventing myself, doing everything I can to become a stronger person, a better person. I’ve been pushing myself hard, sometimes too hard, to become someone worthwhile, someone that can be depended on and looked to for support or inspiration.

But when these moments of weakness hit me, all the confidence and all my drive just runs out of me. That little voice in the back of my mind keeps questioning me. What are you doing? Do you think you’ve amounted to anything? Do you think you’ll ever amount to anything? There’s a reason why no one will give you a chance. Why should anyone give a damn about you? Do you think you matter? Do you think anyone could care if you were gone? Do you really think you’re as strong as you make yourself out to be? Do you know why you feel comfortable in the rain? It’s because it’s where you belong, in the dark and the gloom. It doesn’t just come down to mental torment either. When these episodes hit me, it feels like knives are being pushed into my sides. I can’t breathe, and while I’m collapsed on the floor, all I can do is beat my head against the floor to try to knock things back into order.

I don’t really know why this happens to me every now and then. Maybe it’s because I still don’t fully believe that I’ve become someone worthwhile. Maybe it’s because I choose to live through the pain of my choices rather than abandon them. Still though, they’re my choices, and even though it’s likely that no one will ever understand why I do what I do, or how I see things, I take solace in the fact that I can see the people that matter to me smile, even when I’m dying inside.

Still, I can’t help what I am. I’m an idealist and a hopeless romantic with a strong sense of justice. I’ll do anything it takes to protect my friends and to keep them happy, no matter what the cost to me. I’ve always felt like I’ve been living my life as though I were making up for something, like I need to be forgiven. Might as well keep going with that.

So, in the end, who am I? I’m the guy that people can lean on. I endure pain without letting other people see it. I’ll most likely die young and alone and be forgotten quickly. I’m not precious to anyone, but I’m useful to have around. I’m the boy who waited. Life isn’t fair, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t do my best to even the odds for the people I care about. Maybe I’m not meant to be happy. Maybe despite all that I think I’m capable of, I’ll never be worth anything to anyone. Maybe there isn't any peace for me. Maybe I belong in the background, in the shadows.

They say good things come to those who wait. Sometimes I wonder.

Chances

I’ve taken a lot in the more recent years of my life. I got my first master’s degree thinking that the job market for said degree would remain strong. I pursued a relationship with a girl that ended up falling apart before it even got off the ground, leaving me shattered. I took a chance trusting people who I thought were friends, only to have my life turned on its head by them, and losing other friends in the process. Finally, I took a chance, deciding to study for my second master’s degree here in Australia. I traveled on my own, thousands of miles away from anything and anyone familiar. I felt like this was where I could make the most of my life and realize my true potential.

Taking chances means taking risks. It means diving into the unknown, often without enough information to know exactly how things will turn out. Take too many, and no matter how lucky you are, eventually you’ll catch up with yourself and things will go badly. Take too few, and you’ll never reach your full potential or experience the full potential of your life. Without taking chances, nothing changes. Fear, apprehension, confusion, indecisiveness – all of it has to be overcome to take any chance. To be able to do so is no small feat when it comes to the important things, things that can change one’s life.

More often than not, the decision of whether or not to take a chance lies solely upon weighing potential gains against potential losses. These are the easiest decisions to make. Sometimes though, we take risks out of sheer curiosity, where the potential negatives are fairly large, but the potential positives are either so tempting or one is so curious as to where you just say to hell with the consequences and go for it. Oftentimes this happens even though everything in your head is telling you to turn away. These are the chances that, when they go badly, they go disastrously badly. But when they turn out well, the upswing is far more than you could have ever possibly imagined.

The question remains: Do I regret the chances I’ve taken? To be perfectly honest, I regret a lot of chances I’ve taken in my life, both recently and farther back. I don’t think there’s anyone who’s never regretted a single chance they’ve taken. On the flip side of things though, I have never regretted being willing to take chances and actually working up the courage and the guts to take chances. Taking chances is just one of the ways that I affirm my control over my own life. It lets me know that I'm free, that my choices are my own. I don’t plan on shying away from that. If I think it’s worth it, I’ll take on any challenges or difficulties. It’s how I move forward. It’s how I realize my potential. If I’ve set my mind on it, I’d take on the world.

I’ll close this entry with another quote from Vincent Van Gogh. I’ve actually already used part of this, but upon going back and reading the whole thing, it just seems especially poignant in relation to this entry.

“If only we try to live sincerely, it will go well with us, even though we are certain to experience real sorrow, and great disappointments, and also will probably commit great faults and do wrong things, but it certainly is true, that it is better to be high-spirited, even though one makes more mistakes, than to be narrow-minded and all too prudent. It is good to love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love, is well done.”
-Letters of Vincent Van Gogh to his Brother

Almost time...

As I've been preparing to leave the country, I've been doing my best to tie up loose ends. The last thing I want to do is to leave with unfinished business. Also, I've been trying to set things up so that I'll be missed as little as possible once I go. The last thing I want to do is to make anyone worry or feel bad, so I figure this is the best way to go about things.

It's really a unique opportunity, getting a brand new start on life like this. When I look back on things, this change couldn't have come at a better time. In the past year or so, I've been working hard to develop myself in to a better, stronger person. I've met some wonderful people whom I'll have the chance to meet in person once I move. I've met some less savory individuals, but it's helped me to learn how best to deal with such people. With the new year comes my new life. I hope I'm up to the challenge of living up to it.

A quick summary of the man I used to be: I used to be very passive. I would do my best in life, but if things didn't go my way, I just accepted it and tried to move on. Even if there was something I felt really strongly about, I just didn't have the confidence to stand up for it. I was always alone because I didn't have the confidence to get myself out there, I just didn't think that I was someone who was worth knowing. I held very little value for myself, and it showed in my actions. I took unnecessary risks, sometimes to the point of endangering myself. I didn't work hard toward my dreams because I didn't feel like I deserved them. I was convinced I was worthless, and the world treated me as such. It was simply unending pain, pain which I endured for an unknown reason.

Now, I've got the confidence and the belief in myself that I'd been lacking for so long. That said, there's still things that I worry about. I worry if I can keep it up. Will I be able to stay strong, or will my past catch up with me and consume me? How much of my destiny is really under my control? If I keep going on the path I am on now, will the floor suddenly give way beneath me?

It's really strange, where I am now. On one hand, I've made some precious friends who care about me and will be there for me whenever I need to talk, and be there in person when I move. At the same time, right now, because of various circumstances, I feel so alone, so disconnected from the world.

Maybe it's this newfound revival of my emotions that's got me all mixed up. For the first time in longer than I can remember, I know what it's like to be in love, although an unrequited love at that. I not only believe in myself, but I am motivated, driven to fight for what I believe in and for myself. I found a bond that was so close that it couldn't be described with words. And the pull produced by this bond – love, excitement, jealousy, and anxiety – these words don't quite fit. It's given me hope, and thrown me into despair. It's brought out the best in me, and forced me to suppress the worst. The whole thing has left my soul screaming, with me wanting to physically do the same at the top of my lungs.

Depending on the point of view, I've been both blessed and cursed with a very strong memory. Every moment of extreme joy, every moment of excruciating pain and sadness, the strongest memories easily come to the surface. How much these memories contribute to the decisions I make, I can't be sure. One thing I do know, though, is that regret is something that lives with you. The trick is, you have to know how and when to let regret go, or else it'll consume you and you won't be able to move forward. Regret isn't a bad thing though – far from it. Regret teaches us not to make the same mistakes twice. It gives us a feeling of remorse that we want to avoid at all costs. In that way, it drives us to improve ourselves.

I don't know what my future holds. I don't know what cards destiny will deal me. All I can say is that I've had plenty of regret in my life, plenty of mistakes that I don't want to repeat. That being said, I'm not going to just sit around and take whatever life gives me anymore. I'm in control of my own destiny, and I've got the will to shape my life. We are not ruled by our memories, and from here out I'll be working to make new memories – ones that I'll look back on proudly and happily.

On a warm, rainy winter’s day in Chicago…

Today was unseasonably warm, it was a bit strange. That said, it didn't stop me from taking advantage and going on a nice long walk to clear my head and get some fresh air. Whenever I take such walks, I can't help but get contemplative. Today was no different, although the subject at hand did distract me from my route quite a bit more than usual.

Soulmates. Until it was brought to my attention recently, I had never really thought about the concept much. Then again, having never been in a serious relationship, it's really no wonder I've never thought about it. It's a concept that fascinates, excites, and frightens me all at the same time, and I found myself exploring it extensively.

To have one person with whom you are meant to be with. To have one person who you are destined to meet. To have one person with whom your connection is so close, so strong that when you meet everything just falls into place. Does such a thing exist? Does it mean that there is just one person, per person, for whom destiny has made the perfect match? Does this mean that this is the only person for whom your love with work, or is it just the best person? With over 7 billion people in this world, what if two soulmates never even meet? It seems like an awful waste of potential.

From my own experience, there has never been anyone with whom I feel as strong a love for, or a stronger connection with, than the girl I'm currently in love with. When I speak with her, I'm at peace, and when she's gone, I look forward to the next time that we can talk again. At the same time, while I miss her when she's been gone a long time, I have absolute faith and trust in her, so I don't feel anxious. Where my life and my mind were like a swirling, rippling maelstrom before, just by touching my life, she's calmed the waters to the point where the surface is smooth as glass. To borrow a cheesy and cliché line, she completes me.

These feelings, combined with countless hours of contemplation, turning things over in my mind, have given me the resolve to be able to confidently conclude that I have indeed found my soulmate. Now that that's been done, what next?

What is the next step? That's where things get tricky, because even if we're meant to be together, even if we are the perfect match for each other, it means nothing until we find a way to physically be in the same place. And even then, life can throw random things at you. You never know what might get in the way; every relationship takes a unique, unspecified amount of luck.

The distance between us an issue of time. In a few weeks, I'll be moving to where she is, so it's really not much of an issue at all. As for the luck, I've always felt that I was blessed with good luck, so as long as that holds out I'll be fine. There's a couple other details, minor and major, that need to be worked out, but I don't really have control over those. I guess it's the uncertainty of the whole situation that really frightens me if anything. Don't get me wrong, I trust her with all my heart, I'm just nervous that I'll do something to mess it up. That's why I've been working so hard to become a stronger person, to make better decisions, and to stand my ground when I truly believe in something. And there is nothing more worthy of standing for than love.

Whether or not one chooses to believe in soulmates is a matter of perception. Up until now, I had never really given it much thought. I have to say though, the concept does appeal to me a great deal, especially in the situation I'm currently in. I think I really have found my soulmate. Now, I'll just do what I can, and leave the rest up to fate. She's so worth fighting for, and all I want to do is be with her. I know that I've probably got an idealized image of her in my mind, and that things might be different in person, but I'm alright with that. I want her to shatter my illusion, because as it stands, I don't know what I could possibly do to stop loving her.